After what seems like a lifetime of having huge swings between depression and ecstasy, my life seems to have settled down into something of a stable pattern. In fact, the last year been good. At times I think too good and as usual I worry about the trough which will eventually come.
I don't think that life can ever be smooth sailing. Anxiety is always there, lurking at the back of my mind. People may see that I'm mostly calm, yet I'm constantly worried that my life will once again fall apart. It's always a worry, at least to me, that I'll manage to destroy this life I've got.
Two years ago when I nearly died from a heart attack, I vowed I must change my life. I must start to live for the now and not worry about the future. Yet it's harder to do than I thought. As I say the last year has been the happiest I've been for some time. That's why I'm increasingly worried. You see I know from experience that following every high is a trough.
I know this time I'll probably survive it when its hit. My circle is incredibly supportive and I know will stand by me, yet it's always there lurking in the background, like an unwelcome guest at a wedding. Soon it'll make its presence known and all hell will break loose. In the past, this 'guest' has made my life a misery. That's why I worry. There's the cause of my anxiety. My own mind.
I don't think I'll every conquer the demons which live rent free in my head. Yet I have to live with them there. I guess it's like living with covid. We have to do it, but we take precautions to ensure it doesn't raise its ugly head. I think today I'm better equipped to do that.